You know, I try to act all macho around here. Life sucks, ho-ho, and I am so used to it! But I wasn't really as bitter as I claimed to be before my appointment Tuesday.
I should have been. Indeed, the prescience of my post (which Beaker went and read after the fact) was kind of astonishing. Dr. Brash says all the nice things that got said during the earlier cycles... well, they weren't the whole story. I don't stim like a 25 year old, and, well, one failed embryo last time appeared polyspermic, even though we were doing ICSI. Three pronuclei. That egg must have had some major meiotic problems. Bad news.
So he doesn't think we should cycle again. It will be easier, cheaper, less traumatic, more likely to work, if we just switch to donor sperm, Clomid IUIs, RIGHT NOW. If I insist on cycling, he'll do it: switch me to an Antagon cycle, try his best. But he doesn't think it's worth it.
When I go to movies, often I can't talk about them right afterwards. I need time to process my reactions to words. That happened during and after this appointment, too. I've been too busy at work to really do the processing (much of which may happen here, at least the me-figuring-stuff-out parts), and we don't need to decide immediately.
Exclusive preview, and my most unflattering realization so far: I was good at the whole IVF drama queen thing. An actual gut-level reaction to the Clomid suggestion: what the hell kind of treatment is it if I only have two trips up to the clinic? Hmmm? Aren't I more important than that? C'mon, can't we at least do injectibles? No way is one ultrasound enough.
Second exclusive preview: yes, we requested copies of our records. But I have very, very mixed feelings about seeking a second opinion. It's an entirely reasonable thing to do. But, if a second opinion is different from the first, see, we might cycle again.