Interior monologues

I. At the clinic, 10:00 a.m.

Wow, it's a lot less crowded now that cattle call is over. I don't think I've ever been in the same room as a Birkin before! Hey, hey lady, I'm doing a coculture biopsy too. Just like the woman you're talking to. Do you have my name? If you don't call me out by 11:30 will my cycle be cancelled? Hey! HEY! They've got to know how to pronounce "Maple," right? Will I hear them over the damn toddler crying? Okay, okay. No, of course I don't have insurance. Please take my money. Are you sure that's enough?

My god, this restroom looks worse than the ones at Grand Central. Paper towels all over the floor. Of course, it's probably gotten heavier use in the last three hours. Yay feminine hygiene options! Pad and tampons and god knows what else, all arranged nicely... like the pretty little bouquet of colored-top tubes the phlebotomist had yesterday. Does Martha consult here?

Why is there never a shelf to put my clothes on? What, no fuzzy socks on the stirrups? Look, a dildocam. Is he going to ultrasound the mock transfer? Wha... what the hell is that giant wall of window doing in this exam room? There's the Duane Reade, so we're looking straight out over York Avenue through that semi-transparent shade. Actually, that is the direction I'll be spreading my legs. Not that the concrete tower across the street has many windows, but—if I had starred in a sitcom, would I be in this exam room? If I had starred in a sitcom, would I have a Brazilian bikini wax? Does the doctor care whether I've starred in a sitcom?

Yes, I live in Ohindinois, yes, I have hair as bad as if I were really from there (both above and below), no, I don't have a New York accent, but I AM a New Yorker, damnit, and if you try to give me any advice on what I should do during my visit to the big bad city I will kick you in the teeth, doctor, and I'm in a really good position to do that. Also, I will kick you if you give me any shit about moving to Ohindinois, sir.

II. My first Lupron shot, 9:08 p.m.

Wow, that's a lot more belly fat than last time.

Comments

[Brooklyn Girl]

I think I've been in that exam room--and I thought the exact same thing. Couldn't wait to get oout to York Ave and look up to make sure those shades were doing their job!