If you've never seen the abbreviation in the title, don't read this post. If you've never sat through an expensive progesterone-supplemented two-week-wait, don't read this. If you've sat through too many, or sat through one too recently, don't read this.
In fact, if you're not an emotionally stable infertility junkie (an oxymoron?) you shouldn't read this entry at all. You should go read A. M. Homes' stone-cold New Yorker account of her encounters, starting in her early thirties, with her birth mother and father. The involuntary construction of walls between oneself and a nakedly needy and damaged other, labelled "mother"? A tiny and desolate funeral? Unspoken indictment of self? Oh yeah baby, oh yeah. Her novels have always sounded too brutal, but I'm gong to try to track them down now.
So: of fucking course I had symptoms, and the crazy thing is that they were different from before.
Cramping: on my other cycles, there was some, which started a few days after transfer and got gradually worse. This time, it started the day of transfer and was clearly sensitive to both physical and emotional stress (I flew home 2dpt straight to a tense, tense department meeting, and all the while my uterus twinged its desire to stay home in bed). The cramps changed in character about 4dpt, and almost vanished about 10dpt. I'm still getting a couple or three per day, though.
Migraines: yes, I got my post-transfer migraine. I didn't lose hope as hard as I did in cycle two, in large part because of...
Spotting: well, there was some, and there never had been before. Nearly invisible, and it never reached my underwear, but, 7dpt, in the middle of my migraine, there were tiny deep brown streaks in the snot I was emitting. I nearly cried: I didn't deserve for my body to hoax me like this, I just didn't deserve it, not after this year. In any case, the brownish tinges continued, off and on, through 11dpt. They seem to be gone now.
Digestion, etc: yes, as always there was the progesterone constipation. But, in the midst of my 7dpt migraine, I realized I was burping. Two days after that, I was still burping, and noticed that my stomach felt unsettled, but that each burp would relieve it a little. And that's still where I am. It's not nausea exactly, but it's not entirely unlike it, either. That's never happened before. A few mild dizzy spells too, with the first 9dpt.
Ovaries: have maintained what seems like a constant level of puffiness since transfer, instead of subsiding. Maybe got a little more sore 10dpt. It's hard to tell, especially with the growing butt bruises.
Beaker and I have figured out most of our Christmas travel arrangements, and I'm going to be in Weatherwood for the 25th and 26th. Which will make it easy for me to go back to Cornell for my next bloodwork on the 27th. I called today to beg for an ultrasound then, too, but they refused. Too early.