Self-criticism

So: I've been out in Nirvana for a few weeks now. How'm I doing?

WORK: Above average, for me at least. I am going in to an office and sitting still and thinking for a good part of each day, and that's a big change relative to anything since, oh, mid-October. I am going to talks and learning new things—well, I've substantially been under a rock for the last six years, so almost anything anyone gets up to talk about is new to me. (And it's such a luxury that other people are getting up and talking, and I can just sit and listen!)

However, I'm still working on the creepily idiosyncratic little sorts of things I seem to work on. Not on anything at all like the flashier stuff my proposal to come here was about.

PLAYING WITH OTHERS: Very, very bad. I have not had lunch with other people even once since arriving. I creep in and steal croissants after everyone else has come and gone for elevenses in the lounge. Several of the organizers have greeted me warmly, and said we must talk sometime—but I haven't followed up. Also, I am terrified of all the little post-doc boys running around. And somehow just about everyone else is either an old, famous organizer or a little post-doc. (Of course, in professional terms, I'm probably about level with the post-docs, in cumulative output: it took me five years, and them negative two, but who's counting? Well, I am, and they are, actually.)

If I were to tell anyone what I'm working on, they'd snort, or roll their eyes, or tell me how that vein of ideas was completely mined out in the early 60s, or... so I just don't tell them.

COPING WITH LIFE: Medium rare. The hunger=nausea thing is sort of disorienting, but a fruit shake in the late morning works wonders in keeping me at my desk and awake a little longer. Overall I think I've been doing pretty well with the weird shifts in bodily needs. (Beaker gets a demerit, though, for suddenly gasping "There's something in there!" after, um, bumping my newly-positioned cervix during an intimate moment...)

However, there are a couple of little issues. The Internet service thing, for example. Not gonna really happen for another 2 weeks (not entirely my fault, but largely so). And the driving thing. Beaker busted his butt getting our lovely little car out here, and I'm afraid to drive it. Manual transmission, Ohindinois is so beautifully flat, the 900 vertical foot climb to our current aerie, etc., etc. It's been at least 3 weeks since I was behind the wheel, and I learned to drive late enough that it's entirely possible for me to forget how.

Comments

[Cecily]

Just get behind the wheel. You'll be fine. And you'll LOVE that manual transmission for all those hills. You'll feel like you have all the power in the world!

Sending you some relaxing vibes...

[Melissa]

Cecily is a braver woman than I. I was going to tell you that I would also be terrified to drive a manual transmission car in a place with hills. Eek.

Not to derail you from your subject matter, but any thoughts on the recent comments from Lawrence Summers regarding gender differences and interest in math and science?

[bitchphd]

On hunger/nausea: ginger. You're in California: go to the whole foods or whatever it is and get the Santa Cruz brand of gingerale. It actually does have ginger in it, and it tastes a bit spicy and v. clean, unlike regular gingerale, which is just sugar water. Or smelling ginger, that helps too.

I also found that sugar was good. Jelly beans in the morning. Weird, but it helped.

[Emma Jane]

I'm trying so hard not to think about Larry's little running-off-at-the-mouth incident... hi, I'm female, and in a male-dominated field, and visiting a male-dominated institute, and in a couple of months I'll be, well, as female-looking as I'll ever be! (I'm sure the postdocs, who are overwhelmingly single and nebbishy, will not merely look away, but run... ) Oh, and I'll have extra-high levels of all those hormones that mean girls can't think straight. Cooooool!

But really, folks. What did he say that any of us couldn't have pulled out of our butts on a moment's notice? (And I've done so, for things similar to most of what he said, in semi-private circumstances. Of course, I'm not PRESIDENT of the PREMIER INSTITUTION IN AMERICAN HIGHER EDUCATION, or anything, and it's not like I expect stuff I just MAKE UP to be true...)

My burning questions on this sort of issue: why are just about all the women, and just about none of the men, in my grad school departmental cohort at liberal arts colleges? Why do people talk so much about a female crisis in confidence during early adolescence, when mine hit in grad school? How do I learn to socialize with people—men!—professionally, without flirting, without being the one who holds the small talk together, without being the young cute different one—just being another worker in the field, with something to say?

(It just keeps coming back to needing to feel like I have something to say, though, whether I'm worrying about gender subtexts or not. I need to do some work I'd respect if someone else had done it...)

[timna]

hope you're feeling better soon.
papaya (dried version) helped queasiness for me.
Maybe you'll even enjoy the post-doc eye-averting and scattering?!
I was so glad that my undergrads couldn't take Larry's comments seriously. Maybe they're naive, but their assumptions are already grounded in a certainty that they can do/achieve what they want.

timna

[BentleyANASTASIA32]

I received my first business loans when I was 32 and that supported my family a lot. Nevertheless, I need the term loan over again.