At the conference

GETTING THERE: My intended train is so late, I take the next one instead. The hotel, advertised as walking distance from campus, is, well, almost walking distance from campus. But lots of other ergonomists are cheap, or believe in the benefits of exercise, or are too neurotic to drive in strange places, so many of us are hiking up and down the hill each day.

ALPHAS AND BETAS: Most of the talks are by betas. Most of the heckling is by alphas.

ROYALTY: The King and Queen sit in the front row of every talk they attend. They are sleeker than the rest of us; it's hard not to assume that a substantial fraction of their presumably substantial consulting income goes to personal care, or perhaps even plastic surgery.

At every talk they attend, one of two things happens: (a) the presentation devolves into a personal conversation with the speaker, and the only aspects of the work discussed are those which complement earlier work by the royal couple. (b) they hijack the talk completely. One postdoc is reduced to tears, this time, when she is gradually informed, via a succession of outbursts ("Have you read our paper with Fred?"... "No, I think it was our paper with Anna, about five years ago." ... "Wait: John is a coauthor of yours? I know he's read our paper with Anna, and..." that the King and Queen so totally did that work, five years ago.

Fortunately, they do not attend more than two days of any meeting, ever, since they have much more important things to be doing than the rest of us.

OMEGAS: I am an omega now, with my lowly liberal-arts-college name tag and ever-more-pathological shyness. But I am not the only one. Unfortunately, I know most of the others from grad school. I didn't like them much back then, either.

How can a man reach the age of forty, and the status of associate professor, and still not comb his hair or close his mouth as he eats? Once I had to hide from Mark, regularly, so that he wouldn't try to walk me home from class. Now I watch for him nervously from the corners of my eyes when I do manage to find myself in conversation with others: if he shows up, and he usually does, they will vanish.

PREGNANCY: not a big deal. No one notices (they haven't seen me for five years, and I've gained 15 pounds—like they haven't?). We're all drinking decaf anyway. And the catering is ideally scheduled. I need that midmorning snack, and how.

SENIOR FACULTY WITH LAPTOPS: check their e-mail during other people's talks. I haven't yet spotted any IMing.

JUNIOR FACULTY WITH LAPTOPS: prepare their own presentations during other people's talks. It's sort of admirable efficiency, I suppose.

POSTDOC BOYS WITH LAPTOPS: send each other sexy technical drawings and giggle.

MY TALK: is attended by the session organizers and a bunch of grad students (no one has a laptop). The subject matter isn't a great fit for the meeting, and I worry that the presentation is too accessible. Despite my having not rehearsed, the timing is perfect (this is perhaps the only skill my moderately heavy teaching load has imparted). People seem genuine in their enthusiasm afterwards, although no one tries to engage me in further technical discussion.

THE BANQUET: is only lightly unbearable. I am inadvertently pretty snotty when some newly tenure-track and socially awkward boys whine about how much their students hate them: "Well, I've seen on student evaluations, not mine, but colleagues' of mine, that students can really be put off by simple and correctable technical issues. They want a clear syllabus, and clear scheduling, and..." The French graduate student to my right manages to be so much snottier about the food that I can hope my rudeness has been forgotten.

THE ROAST: is much better than usual. The King is graceful as friends from first grade (first grade!) are hauled out to remember his early eccentricities.

GOING HOME: I run into hapless Mark on my way back to the hotel. "Perhaps I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow?" My heart beats full of my impending freedom as I explain that I'll be on a train in less than an hour—I'm not staying over another night.

Comments

[selzach]

I'm so glad you survived your meeting. I cannot describe how much I hate going to meetings in my field. I am very shy, and loathe the schmoozing, especially at the banquet/social. Then there are the meetings that also have the social breakfasts. Twice the stress! The few times I've attended meetings with my boss, he always says he'll introduce around, yet he never does.

[Rachel]

I like going to my conferences. I'm the only person at my institution who does my job so it's good to talk to people who actually get what my job is. I'm really lucky that our organization is very welcoming. After ten years I really look forward to going to the conference because I have friends there.

[zarqa]

Your description of the Royals is a riot! There are a couple of those at every academic meeting...be it in the sciences or the humanities.:)

[Scott]

God. I think I've been to this conference about 10 times.