Not Enough

Dear Dr. Wow,

A remark you made during our last phone call, in the middle of your comments on how I'm not holding up my end of the collaboration, how I haven't gotten done the things I said I'd get done, well, it's been getting to me.

You said, "You're meeting you other commitments! Your teaching, you keep up with that! Why not this work?"

But, and this is why it's been rankling: I'm doing a piss-poor job all 'round, actually. You shouldn't feel like my ignoring our collaboration is anything special.

Class preparation? Ten minutes of looking for the old notes, followed by 10 minutes of scanning. Oh, and changing dates on the handouts—on good days, at least. Grading? Not happening. Am horribly behind in all courses.

Service? I haven't spoken in a department meeting all semester, because I haven't ever done the reading (of applicant files, or admin documents, or...) . I'm on one committee, which meets twice a semester, and I resent even that much of a commitment.

Child? Shipped off to day care for at least eight and a half hours a day. No time outside with her, 'cause it's cold and dark when we're together. Very little play time, because Mama's got to go to work in the morning and Miss T. zonks out right after (or often during) dinner.

Life? We're eating takeout or leftovers. Several rooms are blocked with clutter. The free-range Cheerios have split into multiple herds and scattered through the house. My clothes are all wrinkled, because the laundry's done in huge loads and left to age in the drier. I'm showering three times a week, max.

And I don't answer e-mail or return phone calls that are from, you know, friends. Haven't talked to my grandmother in over two weeks; before that it had been a month. Haven't sent Christmas pictures to anyone yet.

--EJ

P.S. You keep recommending your favorite program of four espresso shots first thing in the morning. Not gonna happen while we're still nursing over here.

Comments

[Twice]

Oh my god! This is so exactly like my life I can't even begin to tell you how much.

[Twice]

Especially the Cheerios.

[Simone]

I admire your deep commitment to your work *and* your child. I hear that you feel like you're failing everyone but (from my limited perspective on your life as a reader of your blog) it seems like you are doing it all and this juggling has to get easier. (I know that life with children gets a little easier as they become walkers and talkers.) I have a doctorate (from a large University in New Haven) in the social sciences that is sort of "on the shelf" until my children are school age--this choice creates great financial strain and the likelihood that I will spend the rest of my days as an adjunct. I'm aware and (mostly) okay with the consequences of my choice to parent full time for a few years. I'm certain that your hard work now (which sounds so intense and stressful) is going to yield a strong career and a strong child--right? I wish that the academic world were different and that you could take more time for yourself, child, and husband without falling behind in your career. Keep some sort of faith--Summer is coming...

[Simone]

P.S. Thank you for sharing your experience.