Another disappointment

Three mature; two fertilized.

So my make-me-happy scenario has become best-possible-but-not-very-likely.

Last time I remember being disappointed that only 5 were mature and fertilized; I remember Dr. C., at transfer, being surprised at how well the fertilization and early divisions had gone, since we had 4 good and 1 crappy embryo. "Usually we need to get 7 or 8 mature eggs to get this many embryos."

They recommend transferring 3-4 for my age range. We're not going to be there.

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I hate, hate, HATE the rhythm of a cycle. The sheer number of points at which you get a tiny bit more information, where you can update your subjective probability of success (Cornell, I'm sure, could crank out an exact number based on their experience: a 37-year-old w/one success, but crappy response in current cycle, average fertilization w/ICSI, yada yada yada: maybe something like 12% if we get one embryo, and maybe 20% with two? refine for cell counts and fragmentation as appropriate...). It kills. Imagine what this process would be like, how different it would be to experience, if it took just one day: get yourself to the clinic by 4:30 a.m., go home at 8 p.m., knowing if you're pregnant or not.

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On the other hand: we did get fertilization, with Beaker's five-year-old frozen immature sperm. That's the medical miracle right there. I should call andrology and make sure that just one vial got used. (If not, that'd be another huge body slam.)

Early this morning I realized it was okay that I hadn't changed my plane tickets yet -- since, if there was no fertilization, I'd just get on a plane today. We haven't been cut off that hard, yet, and I'm going to call the airline now, to reserve a Thursday flight.

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If this fails, and even if we never make it to the beta, will I be able to forgive myself for trying? For hoping? For going away from Miss T. for this long? (Beaker says she's starting calling me "Emma" instead of "Mama.") For letting down my co-authors? ("I'm going to be in New York for two weeks by myself. I'll be able to get a lot done." In between, you know, family angst, pacing the streets, forced three-hour-naps, and tearing my hair out.) For lighting the money on fire?

Will I be able to remember the things that make us ambivalent about trying? (Well, the things that make us ambivalent other than how much it sucks to try.)

Comments

[BrooklynGirl]

Oh, my dear. I wish it was all so much easier.

[Elizabeth]

I'm sorry you didn't get more eggs this time. Try not to worry about Miss T changing to "Emma" instead of "Mama" - Dorothy has started calling her father "Tom" just because she thinks it's funny.

I'll still keep my fingers crossed for you.

[thalia]

a clinic i visited in the uk has a computer which will do exactly what you suggest - put in all the parameters eg fsh level, age, number of previous attempts/pregnancies/miscarriages, number of antral follicles, AMH level, follicle numbers on day 10, e2 level at retrieval etc etc, and it gives you the success rates. Very geeky fun (although often quite depressing).

Very much hoping that this is all you need.

[E]

Sorry things aren't optimal. Probably not much help, but for those of us also going through this (about five days behind, by the sound of things!) it's a huge help even to have someone else discussing this stuff. Thanks, anyway.

[And yes - I know the thoughts about ambivalence all too well. Do we really want to be spending this vast amount of money? When current child is appalling, what the hell are we doing looking for a second (or second and third, or...)? And so on. Not to mention the hormone-induced moods. Anyway.]

[Jody]

I'm sorry -- and I'm not surprised at your low mood, given what you wrote later. You're getting body-slammed all over the place.

I'm still going to keep my fingers crossed, too.