I'm the one your bioethicist warned you about

I'm just home from another exciting sojourn in the most boring area of Manhattan. We estrogen primed, we watched and waited, we were secretly horrified as the embryologst checked the catheter and found an embryo stuck... and then checked again and found two! That's right, it took 3 tries to rinse them down the damn tube, and one maybe tried to go backwards. Little punks.

Perhaps I should have gotten even more worried when the transferring R.E. told me to go home, relax, have a glass of wine... but no, I just followed those instructions.

We got eggs, 9 of them, of which 7 were mature, 6 fertilized, and 5 were still going on day 3. We put them all back: 8, 8, 6, 5, 5. So yes, the change in protocol seems to have been a good thing. And yes, I am an embryo count slut once I've mustered the necessary resources. (But those 5's weren't going anywhere! and no way Cornell'd freeze them! But! But! But!)

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My grandmother probably has lung cancer. Productive cough since January, unresponsive to antibiotics, ugly changing things on the X-ray, ever thinner and more tired. Her doctor is unwilling to do more testing (which seems like it'd have to be extremely invasive), and no one wants to even think about the treatment options, if that's what it is.

We went up to see her twice, just twice in two weeks. (There was one more time we planned to go up, but she called and asked us not to; she felt too weak.) Amazingly Miss T. likes being in the apartment and was excited about going; she played in the living room as Nana watched, mostly silent. Afterwards Beaker said, "You should write her a little letter every week. Send a picture." I know, I know. She's so deaf we can't talk any more.

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My grandmother's condition has been a loose and fluid cover story for why I spent so much time in New York this year. But, I think, not very effective. She's not in crisis, so why did I miss minor obligations at both the end of last year and the beginning of this one? Any anecdotes at all about Miss T. make it clear that we were honestly staying in the city, not out the suburbs, and that's been spotted from time to time.

Why not tell people? Because I don't want to have to tell them how it turns out.

Comments

[Jody]

Oh, I don't know where to start.

I'm sorry about your grandmother. Beaker is right about the letters. If only there were easier ways to transfer e-mail to a letter, you know? Some service you could pay, and then send the e-mails and they would drop the letters in the mail.

I'm glad you were all together in the City this time.

When will the 2ww be over? Please tell me it's not already done.

FIVE EMBRYOS!

Oh, please please please universe, let this work.

[Elizabeth]

Good luck with this cycle! Five embryos is a great number - I hope one sticks for you (and not just to the catheter!).

My great-aunt died of lung cancer with a very similar set of symptoms. For what it's worth, she didn't really suffer at the end, and she was still able to enjoy her family right up through her last few days. I hope your grandmother will be similarly blessed. How about one of those digital photo frames that you can hook to the telephone line, so that you can upload new pictures to it remotely? It's not the same as a letter, but it might help if she could see new pictures of Miss T frequently.

We'll be thinking good thoughts for you here.

[ivfcycler]

but what grade were the embryos? :)

so sorry about your grandmother.

have you seen the blog "square peg, round whole" by a current infertile, former academic?

[Renee]

Yay, I am so happy to read you again, and I am crossing my fingers.